The Next Step

While the course of our lives is supposed to be straight and narrow, I've found especially of late, that frequent are the junctures and crossroads that characterize the journey.

I've got some decisions to make in my immediate future, the type that make life difficult and interesting. Most of the people that I am around, even frequently, don't really know who I am very well... in fact, I feel like a majority of people think that I am a different person than I am. Needless to say, that is not a valuable trait of mine and regressive when it comes to building relationships with new people.

I don't really know what to do to change it... all I know is that I am going to try. Hopefully I'll have the capacity to become the best version of myself.

Loneliness never was happiness...

It's amazing how real and seemingly important the desires can be to find someone to be with. Although there are so many who cherish, or at least act as though they cherish, the time of being single, it's my confident hunch that theirs is yet a longing and unsettled position, and one just as ready to settle down and commit as that of their so-called desperate associates. All that is needed in my mind is an understanding of how to do it and what it can be like. I'll venture to say that no one observes true love, ever, without a spark of desire beginning within themselves to enjoy the same. Yes, there are those who've had bad experiences and may cringe or scoff, but those reactions aren't rooted in true disgust, but jealousy or envy.

So here I am. My day has been a little miserable because every other thought has been about just how single I am. My mouth remained closed and thoughts personal as I fear talking to others about this seems more like complaining self-pity than the honest attempt to figure some things out. I realized today how little people like to pity others... even when the plight of another is horrendous, the time to mourn and pity in sympathy is short-lived and quickly succeeded by an attempt to fix it. It should hardly be any other way, but it is certainly frustrating for the actual victim. But my situation is hardly horrendous, but merely unfortunate and not even bad compared to what some are even now dealing with. But this IS me and my concern is the biggest thing I'm dealing with right now.

I don't understand girls. It would be presumptuous and ludicrous to claim that I did, but I wish that there were a better way to discern how to interact, attract and otherwise just understand them. I always think about this picture whenever I consider this topic.Some may think it ridiculous but I think it's true to life.

Now it seems like I'm 3rd string technician called last resort for lack of options... inexperienced enough to probably always try the same nob and consistently adjusting the wrong dials and never even realizing if the light ever flickers on or off (Forgive the analogy). Did you follow that?

In english it basically means that I don't know how to attract the girls that I want, or if I am already attracting them enough and I just don't know it. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining that there isn't anyone to date.. but the key is that I don't ever seem to be able to find girls that are attracted to me where the feelings are reciprocated. If I didn't have the guideline of attraction before asking a girl out, I don't even know where I would begin... miss unsuspecting laptop sitting over here to my left maybe... or maybe French fry girl right up here in front of me... or... well you get the idea. I could be with them. We might get along great. I could feign some affection maybe... or not. But it seems the clarion call of the good people of the world that beauty is on the inside, and while I agree, I really find it hard to believe there are no girls that I am attracted to with beauty on the inside.

Whatever... Im tired of writing about this, and lessening the opinions of those around me of the type of person I am. I'm going to head on back to figuring out that darn machine...

Friday?

Oh the Friday night... there can be so much joy and also so much regret that you procrastinated to call those people earlier... or perhaps that person earlier.

I learned an interesting thing about myself tonight. I have been thinking all day about how I'd like to take a girl out tonight... and I decided that I would at least ask. The problem is that I only thought as long as to know that I would ask, and not what would be done if she were to accept. Now I know there is value in spontaneity, and I appreciate it a majority of the time... however I am not one who likes to just go off the cuff with how I am going to approach something as delicate as a request for a date. It's not so much that I have a fear of rejection... it's much more ridiculous than that... it is more like a fear that I am just imposing on whoever I am asking, that I become just another person that they are sorry they ever smiled at because now he thinks you like him. She will likely say, "yes," because that is just the kind thing to do; I mean how harsh is it to turn someone down for a date that they got up the courage to ask for? So the date will occur all the while I am thinking things are fine and she is ready to end the date right then and there, if not her life. (Wow... I do have some issues I think... that sounds worse written out than it ever did in my head.)

So I think too much. At least this issue of mine hasn't kept me entirely from still attempting the dating gauntlet a time or two. Take tonight for instance. The time wasn't extensive prior to knocking on her door. She was not home. So what now? Maybe I should call her and interrupt whatever she in currently doing... good plan. So I did. No answer. But because I feel like I am less competent at communicating via the phone, I had some prep time. You know... would saying this be too weird/forward/subtle/loser-ish etc., etc.? Couple that with how distracted I easily get and there was too much time wasted on preparing for a phone call that culminated in her answering machine. I didn't leave a message... anyone who knows me would likely agree that leaving a message would not be a wise course of action. AND now here I am... sitting in a lonely seat on a Friday night trying to figure out how I can do it better in the future. Now it is not the fact that I am alone that bugs me, if I wanted to be with people right now I would be... but it is just the fact that I would like to be among a very select few that seem to constantly elude my weekend nights (or any other night for that matter).

That's Cute

I was at work today where, upon its removal from a fresh shipment, a dress found immediate derision from me. Now I have had a bit of an adventure coming into a store that is much more trendy than I would have ever shopped in; and I haven't just come in, I work there. So I have learned a thing or two, and warmed up to a few others... but I retain a tainted low-fashion eye, I suppose, for some things. I say this because as others passed by the piece they all responded with, "OH! That IS SO CUTE!". (I wish there were a better way to have a dramatic pause in writing, because if there were one, it would be happening right now coupled with a blank stare of mine.)

So I've come to the conclusion, epiphany-like in proportion, that fashion or trendiness has little to do with a keen eye and cultured study and experience... it is more just a way of wearing things that the world at large is not. So really, the term "That's so cute!" In my store would actually be translated to, "That's strange, unusual and kind of offensive... I think I should like it!"

Then again... anyone who really understands fashion likely thinks very little of this little insight of mine. After all, I am the soi-disant tainted eye for low-fashion.

How Dare you...

Do you even think about the foolish words you've brayed? If you have a caring bone in your body, how can you so easily let such ignorant and selfish things be said to someone with just as many feelings and emotions, cares and worries as you. What would happen if you forgot about yourself? How quickly the pride you guard rears it's hideous face when the slightest thing even hints at offense. Do you realize the effect of your enraged drivel? No, no; go on, unfortunately free agency is a God given liberty to both good and you, so I'll allow you to show your lack of intelligence and class by insulting recklessly those with pure hearts and virtuous intentions. No, really, let's see if you can break down an institution founded in charity and righteousness because YOU feel like things should be different. Someday you may understand, if it is explained slowly and directly, that there is more in the world than you and your agendas and pursuits. I would retort your ridiculous argumentation, but I refrain because I hearken to a better voice... most of the time at least... but I'm certainly far from perfect and am yet entitled to a few mistakes (perhaps less than tactful accusations or impetuous rants). You should feel the pain that has come from making the mistake that you made tonight... the pain that others continue even now to feel.

Vehicular Malfunction

So tonight, a night with potentially unlimited potential, has been curtailed by the sudden decision my car made to blow up. I am certainly not one to complain, after all the car has come to me under mostly free conditions. However, I rely so much upon the car these days for everything that is my like right now. Without my car there would be no such thing as a social life or occupation... I would just be here sleeping in a vacant room generously allotted me by my sister.

But tonight... oh how I lament the possibilities. Tomorrow is a rare day off in the mid week, and tonight is Halloween. Many a normally conservative person is wearing strange clothing and staying up later than normal eating candy... I could have been a part of that... but instead I am here, typing to myself.

This will make the third consecutive Halloween that might as well have not happened at all. Maybe I am just becoming an adult. Maybe I'm just becoming boring. Woe is me.

To add insult to a barrage of other insults, I can't even post this tonight because my internet decided to stop working as well. Congratulations to me, I am living proof of, "when it rains, it pours."

P.S. Happy Halloween.

The Beginning... Or perhaps the end.

At the wise and timely suggestion of a friend, I found that I could have that which I have really been looking for online for quite some time. There are a number of outlets that I use to express myself, but writing, just sitting down and getting these thoughts out of my head, seems to be the best and most personally rewarding course of action.

And though I doubt that anyone will ever really read the things that I write, other than myself, it seems only right to post, for others to see, the chaos and occasional beauty here behind these eyes.

However, my inclination is going to be to write uncensored... now I am a Mormon, and one who appreciates and desires to honor the standards of the church, so that doesn't mean that one could expect the lewd or vulgar filth that usually accompanies such a designation... but it does imply a bit of perhaps unorthodox and seemingly out of character rhetoric. This Blog (which is a word I am still getting used to using or liking) provides seemingly secure circumstances to share my thoughts; thus, it will likely lead to me being slightly more candid than I otherwise am in more social and public situations. One is also not to expect that the entierty of my "actual" thoughts are going to all be borderline or questionable, I'm just saying anyone who perhaps came to find the best knock, knock joke I heard that day will be sorely disappointed. But this is going to rank only slightly lower than my actual journal, so my hope is that I won't be misunderstood as I simply try to honestly put my thoughts to something in the real world... virtually real anyway.

Yay for the fact that I am probably the only one who cares about anything I just said.