"If men come unto me..."

I've had a hard time for a while with the idea of avoiding a difficult situation as a means of solving it. Did you follow that? So, basically... among other things... saying, "I'm not going (or can't go) to a bar because any time I am around alcohol, I drink."

Don't get me wrong... I am very much of the opinion that you do whatever it takes to stop such a habit... but what I am saying is that I have never really felt it to be the most plausible solution. I have long felt that saying a statement like the alcoholic above is avoiding accountability. Do I think he should seek out the corner tavern as part of a daily routine to test his resolve? No. In fact, I respect a great deal the people who can discipline themselves enough to just completely abstain from something when they realize it's such a great temptation. But how can one truly consider themselves healed or recovered or rehabilitated if they are just never in the situations where they are weakest? Perhaps the alcohol example is a poor one for this discussion because avoidance, in this matter, may be the best... but say maybe you may have injured yourself with a hammer, does that mean you should then avoid hammers to avoid future injury? Certainly not! If you can use it effectively, you can effectively misuse it. The best course of action would then be to realize how you misused it, and use more caution or develop more skill when dealing with it in the future. So back to the alcoholic example for a second, the man who avoids the bar is not solving his problem... ideally, a man beset by his greatest temptation would still resist... because eventually he is going to walk by a bar, or attend a party, or have a weak moment and unless he has cultivated a stronger resolve, or a more articulate understanding, he is right back where he began.

So here's the thing... I'm thankfully not an alcoholic but I think there are countless, loosely comparable, circumstances where I've been told to run away from problems; only in more flowery or candy coated terms. But I say, we must face with courage the difficulties in life. It may seem reasonable or ideal to just leave things alone, but the greater benefit will come when we address with boldness the challenges we face and take full advantage of, and responsibility for, the agency we have. None of us are ever forced to sin... and even under the most miserable and unfailing coercion, we are only responsible for the things we knowingly choose to do or not to do.

I will make one concession, however. Time is sometimes an essential asset that must be considered in various circumstances... not all things will immediately be solved by immediately addressing them. It's been appropriately said that "time heals all wounds." But like with a wound to the body, there are generally important treatments and considerations given before covering it with bandages and "giving it time."

Moroni said that God himself shows us our weaknesses. Should we then be afraid of them? No, we should want to discover them... not to indulge in them or become discouraged, but in order to address them. To withstand them. NOT to run away from them.

Waiting...

She's finally decided that we're through unless something changes...

Yes... that means I am supposed to be looking for someone else. So in the mean time... while I am waiting for Sarah to figure things out or for some other girl who is miraculously better to come along, I'll cry every time I sit down to play the piano... I'll have to charge my phone half as often... I'll sleep more... I'll change my cell phone plan... I'll spend less time in the hammock... I'll try to figure out how to live without her again.

Something Worth Crying Over...

I'm in the lull period after an unbearable sob. For whatever reason some things will well up inside only to burst forth in machine gun sniffles and alligator tears. I think it tends to be my white flag. When I was young, when something hurt, or was just wrong in any way, I could cry and things would be better. Not because I just needed to drain the eyes... but because someone, often my mother or father, would come and love me through it. Something about that embrace made it so nothing needed to be said; because I could feel, and literally feel, loved.

I don't live where anyone hears me cry and comes to console. I cry until I realize that I am actually getting nowhere and wasting time feeling sorry for myself.

I cried just now because I realized that the opposite of what I want to do is what I have to. I'm in love someone, finally. But that love is unrequited. Because she is likely reading this, I will tell you for her sake that she disagrees. She adores me and admits aloud, to me, that she will not find anyone better; but in the end, without choice, it is not right and nothing can be done to make it that right. How trite and true is the phrase, "It's not you, It's me." I wonder how many people in the world hate that phrase and use it anyway.

I have, until maybe just moments ago, refused to accept the conclusion of failure. I don't invest my heart in people this way, and this is why. In a childish inner dialogue of unspoken 'No, YOU go first''s I finally decided to go first. It was a miscue. And this sick feeling inside is evidence of it. So in my attempt to remedy it all I have to do is, as I mentioned earlier, what goes against every feeling in my heart and relevant thought in my mind: look for someone else.

"How can you just do that if you are really in love? Doesn't love mean you won't ever give up?" Well... I can't invest my emotions this way in someone who can't love me in return. Notice "can't" instead of "won't"... it's careful wording like that which i hope she notices. The sad thing is how willing she is to help me lose contact... not because she wants it to end, but because she feels it will be better for me in the long run.

She longs to be able to have me understand how she feels and what she means... and I long for the same... to know how it can feel right without being right. I just hope that it becomes right for her before I manage to forget how in love with her I am.

Strange Time Of Life...

This is such an awkward period in my life.

I'm kind of in a transitional stage, but it is just lasting a really long time. And by long I still mean less than a year. I have the freedom to do with my time, really, whatever I feel so inclined. What a blessing! Not many really ever have the liberties that I have now... and that I have had for a while.

Notwithstanding all that... it's amazing that I can feel as challenged as the rest of the world and their individual obligations. Will this ever change? Probably not. The matter of making the most out of the time that you have is quite the daunting task.

Let's plan for the future, but not live there. Let's consider the joys of future endeavors, achievements, decisions and yet be cognizant of what forks we face today. Yes... that sounds right. Is it right? Certainly, but we must be wary of how eerily close to the worlds mantra that ideology is..."Eat. Drink and be merry for tomorrow we die." I focus on my future and I will get the chat to not waste my todays. I focus on today and I get the chat to plan ahead and of not being unprepared and irresponsible.

Right now I more live in tomorrow, I'd say, eagerly awaiting the discovery of the girl I live to find. The world cries, "You don't need to be in a relationship to be happy. Heck, you don't even need to have sound morals in any social scenario... we believe in true love but don't you expect to find it, cause no one does; the few now who seem to just got lucky and it's only a matter of time before they too will come to their senses. Just be mature enough to accept that crap happens and it's okay to fail because everyone else does. Think about yourself, be happy, independent of others and then you can consider being selfless. Never mind Christ and his radical ideas of losing yourself to find yourself... that's unreasonable.

well... yes... a post that goes just about everywhere and nowhere all at once. Welcome to today... Where my thoughts are naive and my aspirations cute and endearing. When the real world hits... then I'll come to a sense of reality. Well you just wait... you don't believe me now, but when I have led a life of happiness devoid of the problems that so many thought unavoidable or common to all, then I will be a pioneer. That precocious little Mormon boy who was lucky his whole life through. I hope it won't hurt your feelings while I laugh at you today and the rest of your life, achieving what you haven't and being happier than you ever will.

First or Second?

So I've been thinking lately about my current social condition... single, and without a date in the near future... and I have come to the conclusion that my problem doesn't so much lie in the first date. Honestly, I have very little issue with the idea of asking a girl out under seemingly difficult circumstances. The challenge, as I have come to wrap my mind around it, seems to be that I don't know how to actually begin a relationship. Second dates do not come that easily for me... not because I don't think girls will accept another offer, but more because I don't know second date protocol. Is it different? Because you're on a second date, does that even mean much more than a first date? Like for instance... if I ask this girl out again who I enjoyed dating when we most recently went out, would it be wrong to go to dinner again? Do I need to change it up? Oh, man... the more and more I type the less and less I actually want to post this.

"You're really over thinking things, Kyle."
"Don't worry about it, just go for it."
"Listen, if it's going to work out, it's going to work out."

Thanks.

Secrets

I'm not very good at keeping my own secrets... more often than not the moment I begin speaking with someone I trust I would seriously consider telling them just about everything. Perhaps it comes from a lack of terrible things to share, but not entirely; I have done many things that I am not proud of, things that are immoral, unethical and/or illegal. I wouldn't have you think then that I liked it, or that I have any inclination to do it again, but by merely saying that doesn't it make you curious what I've done? Being morally or ethically reprobate is subjective anyway... maybe all I am talking about is a lie to a friend... jaywalking on a busy street... or an empty street for that matter... It's just Kyle after all. I would hope people would think that... but who would ever know if I were to never tell. Well, eventually if I were to be hiding things of that nature they will be shouted from the rooftops. You will know one day... or you could know today if we trust one another.

What would the world be if there were no secrets? Disappointing? Encouraging? Peaceful? Chaotic?

Celestial?

Something more...

Have you ever looked at something mundane, something arbitrarily unimportant, and seen a miracle? Like a beautiful sunset, in the middle of a month of beautiful sunsets... where it's there, frequently, and you pass by it except this time, this moment. And suddenly it becomes something much more than just a sunset, or a mountain, or a song, or a story, or a tear... it's a miracle. It's a glimpse of something greater. It's what each of us intrinsically are.
The ability to be consumed in simple clarity is more natural than what we condition ourselves to be in a busy world of faux progress, pride and purpose. Things, immaterial, little things are supposed to matter to us. They are supposed to indicate to our forgetful minds that we are not just here, we are meant to be here, and not meant to stay. Those euphoric and fleeting moments where everything makes sense, where all you know is hope and optimism are "but muffled memories of what once was, and will again be."

With a Wink and a... Smirk, maybe?

I've long been self conscious about my smile... and for good reason. I don't blame anyone... out loud or anywhere visible... but I was born with missing teeth, others growing where they shouldn't have, orthodontia sporadically since the third grade, and ultimately a couple of less than up to date and less than... luminous... bridges. So much so that many of the pictures that I will show to others have been digitally enhanced to show a shade of white I much prefer to reality. I will selectively choose how to smile for certain pictures knowing how it will show my teeth. Black and white are great shots, washed out are good, distant group pictures... well... I'm cautious even then. Perhaps I am even thought of as a more sullen person because I simply don't want you to see the work behind my lips.
It is a vanity issue. I, with others, have stepped lightly when discussing cosmetic surgeries or artificial physical enhancements, claiming firmly, but quietly, that people should just learn to not care what others think, to accept themselves and be confident notwithstanding any minor imperfection(s). That's the right thing, isn't it? Well I suppose. But I still won't smile naturally in front of you. You'll notice my smiles are more smirks or grins. You'll notice I turn away from you when I laugh. Would I change it if I could? Without a second thought.
Will this ever change? I can hope. I'll admit, I haven't been this candid with many people at all and it scares me a bit every time I actually articulate it.
*Deep Breath*

Finding Her...

I have no idea how long it will take before I find the girl who will be with me for... ever. This is something that I can't really talk to almost anyone about, mostly just a perfect blog topic. For instance, talking to my family about it devolves back into one topic; how I need to be better at dating. Yes, it's true, I realize that if I were more outgoing than I would meet more girls and therefore have a greater likelihood of finder her. But I can only handle talking about how much of a social misfit for so long... then it just gets old. Conversely, if I talk to practically anyone other than my family about it, it devolves into something like, "You're young! Why are you worried about getting married now?" Valid to an extent, but still something I can only take so much of.

So here I am, trying like crazy to involve myself in any activity that I can find, and finding that it really is not up to me as much as I would like. It seems that whether I am feeling confident enough to talk to anyone or not, the only girls that have current;y chosen to give me attention are the ones that I am not attracted to. Should I just become attracted to a wider range of girls? Are you kidding? Can you even do that? I am pretty sure no. Now this could very well sound ridiculous, and in my own mind all i see is some guy in my head who thinks that he deserves the best looking models of the earth and nothing less... no... that is definitely not me. There are a lot of girls that I find attractive.

I don't even know why I've written this... whether or not I am talking to someone else it seems to come back to those same conclusions. Sometimes I guess it is just something I have to do... thinking on paper. Or virtual paper.