Something Worth Crying Over...

I'm in the lull period after an unbearable sob. For whatever reason some things will well up inside only to burst forth in machine gun sniffles and alligator tears. I think it tends to be my white flag. When I was young, when something hurt, or was just wrong in any way, I could cry and things would be better. Not because I just needed to drain the eyes... but because someone, often my mother or father, would come and love me through it. Something about that embrace made it so nothing needed to be said; because I could feel, and literally feel, loved.

I don't live where anyone hears me cry and comes to console. I cry until I realize that I am actually getting nowhere and wasting time feeling sorry for myself.

I cried just now because I realized that the opposite of what I want to do is what I have to. I'm in love someone, finally. But that love is unrequited. Because she is likely reading this, I will tell you for her sake that she disagrees. She adores me and admits aloud, to me, that she will not find anyone better; but in the end, without choice, it is not right and nothing can be done to make it that right. How trite and true is the phrase, "It's not you, It's me." I wonder how many people in the world hate that phrase and use it anyway.

I have, until maybe just moments ago, refused to accept the conclusion of failure. I don't invest my heart in people this way, and this is why. In a childish inner dialogue of unspoken 'No, YOU go first''s I finally decided to go first. It was a miscue. And this sick feeling inside is evidence of it. So in my attempt to remedy it all I have to do is, as I mentioned earlier, what goes against every feeling in my heart and relevant thought in my mind: look for someone else.

"How can you just do that if you are really in love? Doesn't love mean you won't ever give up?" Well... I can't invest my emotions this way in someone who can't love me in return. Notice "can't" instead of "won't"... it's careful wording like that which i hope she notices. The sad thing is how willing she is to help me lose contact... not because she wants it to end, but because she feels it will be better for me in the long run.

She longs to be able to have me understand how she feels and what she means... and I long for the same... to know how it can feel right without being right. I just hope that it becomes right for her before I manage to forget how in love with her I am.