A year ago today...

Wow... A year now.  The mission reunion that changed my life happened just 365 days ago... craziness.

It's sad to consider that what had such amazing potential was cut short of even having an anniversary.  Of course how many things are worthy of something better than what they actually attain.

I figured if nothing else I would have to post, just to commemorate it beyond just another day.  I have learned a lot of things in between this 4/26 and the last.  Much about myself, much about this girl that I loved, and much about how all relationships will now be influenced because of one.  It is my challenge to make sure that it is a positive effect, which I am fairly confident I'm capable of.

I've gained confidence notwithstanding the glaring failures and prominent imperfections I find almost daily.  In a world where chances need to be taken, I am slowly learning to get outside of myself and do things that I am not necesarrily comfortable with.  I don't want to be classed with Roosevelts "cold and timid souls."  And I won't be.

A new year, perhaps a more successful year.  I intend to succeed where I have thus failed in finding someone who can't and won't live without me anymore; who will see what kind of a man I am and what kind of husband and father I will be. 

Until then...  

Happily ever after her...

I've been trying really hard to get over the most recent relationship I was in.  The girl was someone extremely important to me, and continues to be, and there in lies my problem.  How do you ever move on?  When you love someone as much as I love this girl, I can try and focus on our differences and why things shouldn't or didn't work for us, I can look at pictures of her falling in love with another guy within a month of of us, I can have busyness and success in other areas of my life and still... I want her and I miss her.

Maybe I just saw more there than there was... and this is what I have resorted to by the way, calling upon faded memories and poor excuses to convince myself that what has happened is the right thing... maybe she just didn't know how to end it earlier.  Maybe she just went along with the idea of us because I was pushing so hard.  Maybe she just  liked the attention as much as I liked the idea of giving it.  Maybe I just liked the idea of getting attention myself.

Regardless, the time of us is in the past and now I am in the process of figuring our where I am supposed to go from here.  How can I do it the most diplomatically (and not diplomatically for the sake of everyone else, but because I don't want either of us to hurt anymore than we have to.).  Then again, she seems to have found a way to move on a lot more quickly than I have...  So maybe I am just wanting to believe it's more difficult for her than has been.

I share the heartbreak of The Gabe Dixon Band's song "Ever After You".  

Easy come and easy go
Has never been the case
Dreams of you are hard to erase
Call me crazy, call me mad
Call me what you will
But I'm sane enough to know that I love you still

There is no psychology
And no amount of prayers
That can cure the pain when you're not there
Cause this is not supposed to be
How a love should look
After you have closed the storybook

They say that life goes on,
But I ve been dead since you ve been gone
I think they were wrong
So who's the fool?

I am ever after you
Always ever after you
Tell me what I have to do
Is there a way to be happy ever after you?

There are still so many questions that I have... none of which ever have a very strong liklihood of being answered.  Among the more difficult things I have done is tell her that I can't just randomly have conversations anymore ( as we tended to do) like nothing has happened... because it was too hard for me.  Probably a selfish move... or self preserving.  She destroyed me... and not because she tried, or wanted to, but because she doesn't know what she wants yet.  And now I have to try and just live happily ever after her.