Something Worth Crying Over...

I'm in the lull period after an unbearable sob. For whatever reason some things will well up inside only to burst forth in machine gun sniffles and alligator tears. I think it tends to be my white flag. When I was young, when something hurt, or was just wrong in any way, I could cry and things would be better. Not because I just needed to drain the eyes... but because someone, often my mother or father, would come and love me through it. Something about that embrace made it so nothing needed to be said; because I could feel, and literally feel, loved.

I don't live where anyone hears me cry and comes to console. I cry until I realize that I am actually getting nowhere and wasting time feeling sorry for myself.

I cried just now because I realized that the opposite of what I want to do is what I have to. I'm in love someone, finally. But that love is unrequited. Because she is likely reading this, I will tell you for her sake that she disagrees. She adores me and admits aloud, to me, that she will not find anyone better; but in the end, without choice, it is not right and nothing can be done to make it that right. How trite and true is the phrase, "It's not you, It's me." I wonder how many people in the world hate that phrase and use it anyway.

I have, until maybe just moments ago, refused to accept the conclusion of failure. I don't invest my heart in people this way, and this is why. In a childish inner dialogue of unspoken 'No, YOU go first''s I finally decided to go first. It was a miscue. And this sick feeling inside is evidence of it. So in my attempt to remedy it all I have to do is, as I mentioned earlier, what goes against every feeling in my heart and relevant thought in my mind: look for someone else.

"How can you just do that if you are really in love? Doesn't love mean you won't ever give up?" Well... I can't invest my emotions this way in someone who can't love me in return. Notice "can't" instead of "won't"... it's careful wording like that which i hope she notices. The sad thing is how willing she is to help me lose contact... not because she wants it to end, but because she feels it will be better for me in the long run.

She longs to be able to have me understand how she feels and what she means... and I long for the same... to know how it can feel right without being right. I just hope that it becomes right for her before I manage to forget how in love with her I am.

Strange Time Of Life...

This is such an awkward period in my life.

I'm kind of in a transitional stage, but it is just lasting a really long time. And by long I still mean less than a year. I have the freedom to do with my time, really, whatever I feel so inclined. What a blessing! Not many really ever have the liberties that I have now... and that I have had for a while.

Notwithstanding all that... it's amazing that I can feel as challenged as the rest of the world and their individual obligations. Will this ever change? Probably not. The matter of making the most out of the time that you have is quite the daunting task.

Let's plan for the future, but not live there. Let's consider the joys of future endeavors, achievements, decisions and yet be cognizant of what forks we face today. Yes... that sounds right. Is it right? Certainly, but we must be wary of how eerily close to the worlds mantra that ideology is..."Eat. Drink and be merry for tomorrow we die." I focus on my future and I will get the chat to not waste my todays. I focus on today and I get the chat to plan ahead and of not being unprepared and irresponsible.

Right now I more live in tomorrow, I'd say, eagerly awaiting the discovery of the girl I live to find. The world cries, "You don't need to be in a relationship to be happy. Heck, you don't even need to have sound morals in any social scenario... we believe in true love but don't you expect to find it, cause no one does; the few now who seem to just got lucky and it's only a matter of time before they too will come to their senses. Just be mature enough to accept that crap happens and it's okay to fail because everyone else does. Think about yourself, be happy, independent of others and then you can consider being selfless. Never mind Christ and his radical ideas of losing yourself to find yourself... that's unreasonable.

well... yes... a post that goes just about everywhere and nowhere all at once. Welcome to today... Where my thoughts are naive and my aspirations cute and endearing. When the real world hits... then I'll come to a sense of reality. Well you just wait... you don't believe me now, but when I have led a life of happiness devoid of the problems that so many thought unavoidable or common to all, then I will be a pioneer. That precocious little Mormon boy who was lucky his whole life through. I hope it won't hurt your feelings while I laugh at you today and the rest of your life, achieving what you haven't and being happier than you ever will.

First or Second?

So I've been thinking lately about my current social condition... single, and without a date in the near future... and I have come to the conclusion that my problem doesn't so much lie in the first date. Honestly, I have very little issue with the idea of asking a girl out under seemingly difficult circumstances. The challenge, as I have come to wrap my mind around it, seems to be that I don't know how to actually begin a relationship. Second dates do not come that easily for me... not because I don't think girls will accept another offer, but more because I don't know second date protocol. Is it different? Because you're on a second date, does that even mean much more than a first date? Like for instance... if I ask this girl out again who I enjoyed dating when we most recently went out, would it be wrong to go to dinner again? Do I need to change it up? Oh, man... the more and more I type the less and less I actually want to post this.

"You're really over thinking things, Kyle."
"Don't worry about it, just go for it."
"Listen, if it's going to work out, it's going to work out."

Thanks.

Secrets

I'm not very good at keeping my own secrets... more often than not the moment I begin speaking with someone I trust I would seriously consider telling them just about everything. Perhaps it comes from a lack of terrible things to share, but not entirely; I have done many things that I am not proud of, things that are immoral, unethical and/or illegal. I wouldn't have you think then that I liked it, or that I have any inclination to do it again, but by merely saying that doesn't it make you curious what I've done? Being morally or ethically reprobate is subjective anyway... maybe all I am talking about is a lie to a friend... jaywalking on a busy street... or an empty street for that matter... It's just Kyle after all. I would hope people would think that... but who would ever know if I were to never tell. Well, eventually if I were to be hiding things of that nature they will be shouted from the rooftops. You will know one day... or you could know today if we trust one another.

What would the world be if there were no secrets? Disappointing? Encouraging? Peaceful? Chaotic?

Celestial?

Something more...

Have you ever looked at something mundane, something arbitrarily unimportant, and seen a miracle? Like a beautiful sunset, in the middle of a month of beautiful sunsets... where it's there, frequently, and you pass by it except this time, this moment. And suddenly it becomes something much more than just a sunset, or a mountain, or a song, or a story, or a tear... it's a miracle. It's a glimpse of something greater. It's what each of us intrinsically are.
The ability to be consumed in simple clarity is more natural than what we condition ourselves to be in a busy world of faux progress, pride and purpose. Things, immaterial, little things are supposed to matter to us. They are supposed to indicate to our forgetful minds that we are not just here, we are meant to be here, and not meant to stay. Those euphoric and fleeting moments where everything makes sense, where all you know is hope and optimism are "but muffled memories of what once was, and will again be."