First or Second?

So I've been thinking lately about my current social condition... single, and without a date in the near future... and I have come to the conclusion that my problem doesn't so much lie in the first date. Honestly, I have very little issue with the idea of asking a girl out under seemingly difficult circumstances. The challenge, as I have come to wrap my mind around it, seems to be that I don't know how to actually begin a relationship. Second dates do not come that easily for me... not because I don't think girls will accept another offer, but more because I don't know second date protocol. Is it different? Because you're on a second date, does that even mean much more than a first date? Like for instance... if I ask this girl out again who I enjoyed dating when we most recently went out, would it be wrong to go to dinner again? Do I need to change it up? Oh, man... the more and more I type the less and less I actually want to post this.

"You're really over thinking things, Kyle."
"Don't worry about it, just go for it."
"Listen, if it's going to work out, it's going to work out."

Thanks.

Secrets

I'm not very good at keeping my own secrets... more often than not the moment I begin speaking with someone I trust I would seriously consider telling them just about everything. Perhaps it comes from a lack of terrible things to share, but not entirely; I have done many things that I am not proud of, things that are immoral, unethical and/or illegal. I wouldn't have you think then that I liked it, or that I have any inclination to do it again, but by merely saying that doesn't it make you curious what I've done? Being morally or ethically reprobate is subjective anyway... maybe all I am talking about is a lie to a friend... jaywalking on a busy street... or an empty street for that matter... It's just Kyle after all. I would hope people would think that... but who would ever know if I were to never tell. Well, eventually if I were to be hiding things of that nature they will be shouted from the rooftops. You will know one day... or you could know today if we trust one another.

What would the world be if there were no secrets? Disappointing? Encouraging? Peaceful? Chaotic?

Celestial?

Something more...

Have you ever looked at something mundane, something arbitrarily unimportant, and seen a miracle? Like a beautiful sunset, in the middle of a month of beautiful sunsets... where it's there, frequently, and you pass by it except this time, this moment. And suddenly it becomes something much more than just a sunset, or a mountain, or a song, or a story, or a tear... it's a miracle. It's a glimpse of something greater. It's what each of us intrinsically are.
The ability to be consumed in simple clarity is more natural than what we condition ourselves to be in a busy world of faux progress, pride and purpose. Things, immaterial, little things are supposed to matter to us. They are supposed to indicate to our forgetful minds that we are not just here, we are meant to be here, and not meant to stay. Those euphoric and fleeting moments where everything makes sense, where all you know is hope and optimism are "but muffled memories of what once was, and will again be."

With a Wink and a... Smirk, maybe?

I've long been self conscious about my smile... and for good reason. I don't blame anyone... out loud or anywhere visible... but I was born with missing teeth, others growing where they shouldn't have, orthodontia sporadically since the third grade, and ultimately a couple of less than up to date and less than... luminous... bridges. So much so that many of the pictures that I will show to others have been digitally enhanced to show a shade of white I much prefer to reality. I will selectively choose how to smile for certain pictures knowing how it will show my teeth. Black and white are great shots, washed out are good, distant group pictures... well... I'm cautious even then. Perhaps I am even thought of as a more sullen person because I simply don't want you to see the work behind my lips.
It is a vanity issue. I, with others, have stepped lightly when discussing cosmetic surgeries or artificial physical enhancements, claiming firmly, but quietly, that people should just learn to not care what others think, to accept themselves and be confident notwithstanding any minor imperfection(s). That's the right thing, isn't it? Well I suppose. But I still won't smile naturally in front of you. You'll notice my smiles are more smirks or grins. You'll notice I turn away from you when I laugh. Would I change it if I could? Without a second thought.
Will this ever change? I can hope. I'll admit, I haven't been this candid with many people at all and it scares me a bit every time I actually articulate it.
*Deep Breath*

Finding Her...

I have no idea how long it will take before I find the girl who will be with me for... ever. This is something that I can't really talk to almost anyone about, mostly just a perfect blog topic. For instance, talking to my family about it devolves back into one topic; how I need to be better at dating. Yes, it's true, I realize that if I were more outgoing than I would meet more girls and therefore have a greater likelihood of finder her. But I can only handle talking about how much of a social misfit for so long... then it just gets old. Conversely, if I talk to practically anyone other than my family about it, it devolves into something like, "You're young! Why are you worried about getting married now?" Valid to an extent, but still something I can only take so much of.

So here I am, trying like crazy to involve myself in any activity that I can find, and finding that it really is not up to me as much as I would like. It seems that whether I am feeling confident enough to talk to anyone or not, the only girls that have current;y chosen to give me attention are the ones that I am not attracted to. Should I just become attracted to a wider range of girls? Are you kidding? Can you even do that? I am pretty sure no. Now this could very well sound ridiculous, and in my own mind all i see is some guy in my head who thinks that he deserves the best looking models of the earth and nothing less... no... that is definitely not me. There are a lot of girls that I find attractive.

I don't even know why I've written this... whether or not I am talking to someone else it seems to come back to those same conclusions. Sometimes I guess it is just something I have to do... thinking on paper. Or virtual paper.